Exhausting Life

"Wish you well"

1. My life. Define my life. First moment im feeling all pumped for the year, feeling extremely grateful for the things surrounding me and the next moment, everyone completely disappear. They left for no solid reasons. And they keep on pointing fingers to me. And im the one who has to put the effort that seemingly pointless to everyone's point of view. My life, so far has been such a disappointment. I wish i could end my 2014 with the people that i love. But how can i end my year if the one that i loved most is the one who left me first? 

2. I wish people are more serious in keeping promises. I wish they value the word 'i promise you' more. I wish they just think before they broke their promises. Some people need to open their closed-eyed for once and see how damage i am, how torn i am,  how broken i am. 

3.  I hate how people use "it's different now" as an excuse for them to get away. To get away from their lovers. Because it is so hard to use the word "i dumping you" "im cheating on you". It is so hard for them to use that phrase because they dont want to look evil but they do now. Some just dont think of others' feelings. They dont take a second to just think of everything they are doing. To be able to fight for this, is not worth it. At the end, im the one who is hurt, still. 

4. For some reasons, friends are not friends anymore. They are not being supportive. Friends, in my point of view are the ones who will stand up for you when you have energy to do so. They are the ones who will voice out for you when you cant even say a word for yourself. But to my disgrace, friends now are just friends who think they can choose both sides. Fake. Utterly disgusted by their act. They failed to understand, or even notice the crash of my heart. And they have the energy to stand up for themselves. Disgusting.

5. Friends dont judge. Physical judgements are meant for jokes. People end up with suicide because of the bully "friends" are putting. People end up having the disease of anorexic or obesity because the judgements they get every single fucking day. Non stop. Comparison with the ones who are much more compelling and the ones who are just so-so is such a naive. You dont compare. You dont fucking compare. 

6. But im no one to those eyes. Not even attractive. Have a flat body shape. Awful attitude. If i were to be a slave, no one would ever look at me. 

-done. 

"changed"

1. I'm sad how people have chosen to change themselves; that they chose fame instead of friendship. They chose sentiment instead of love. They chose friendship instead of love. They left the ones who have been through with them for so long. They decided to never think of the ones who were there when they need them the most. It's sad how these people still exist, still alive, still breathe the same air as I am. 

2. I'm sad how people have chosen to leave me; yes they might say they don't, they might say I'm the one who changed, they might say I'm drifting apart from them. They have not seen the efforts I have put in. I'm staying away from everyone to let them know I'm not good enough for them. I'm not good enough to be like them. I'm not good enough to be appreciated. And that, makes me feel so sick and disappointed with everyone surrounding me. I just don't want to move on. 

3. I'm sad how people have chosen to put all the blames on me; I had to sacrifice, I had to fake smile, I had to pretend that I fine with everyone's attitude, I had to pretend I'm happy with all the bullshits everyone has put on me, I had to pretend I'm happy. I had to choose to be cold-hearted because I don't want to be hurt anymore. I had to pretend I don't care because I locked my heart away from getting hurt and accepting the reality because honestly, my fantasy is much far better than what I'm expecting in reality. I don't expect people would leave me as much as they do now. 

4. I'm sad how I'm a loner now; I'm sad how people don't get me, don't understand the real me and that they chose to judge me. The worse part of being hated on is that no one stood up for you. Not your best friend, not your boyfriend and not even yourself. I'm just living in that state where I let go everything. I let everyone  put blames on me. I let myself drown in disappointment. I let my happiness be taken away by others. I let go my heart. 

5. Worst part of my life is no one gives a fucking damn 

Sorrow Sunday

"Mixed feelings"

I don't know whether to feel like I'm being selfish to everyone or everyone is treating me like a shirt where you'll be putting it when you needed it and throw it after. I don't know if I respect everyone too much or everyone is stepping on me and take me for granted. I don't know if I'm putting everyone first before me or I didn't even slip through their minds on something. And I don't know what else to be happy with.

-worse feelings

Left Out

1. I don't know if you ever wondered if you leave, it won't make such a huge deal to everyone surrounding you. I don't know if you ever felt so left out that you wish to disappear right away. I don't know if you ever felt like you have being used and that someone threw you away when they found a replacement. Because I do.

2. I don't know if it is me, the one who is being emotional or people are using me just to tell others that they have a "friend". How is it feel like, when the person who has gone through so many things with you left you to someone who once ditch them for others? The feelings are unexplainable. You have been left, ditched, replaced and to make it worse, all the faults seem to be on your side. And the worst part that you couldn't handle is no one is standing up for you. And up until now, you are all alone.

3. It feels unfair for me. How I have sacrificed so many things and people just look like they are just small things. And that, they thought the faults are all mine. One thing I feel sorry the most is the fact that my good friend is being used without her knowing.

4. Maybe it is true after all, high school is where you get to see which are your true friends and which are the friends who take you for granted and throw you when you are not in need. Because I'm feeling it right now.

Bring It On 2013!

"throwback 2012"

Beautiful 2012 has ended. I hope 2013 won't screwed me up. I hope 2013 won't bring tears and sorrow. I hope 2013 would bring more laughter, happiness and unforgettable memories to be kept with. InsyaAllah.


-Praise the Lord for still having me here. Alhamdulillah.